Anxieties....

I am in the middle of conquering a major problem I have. Most people know me as a fairly laid back person. I am pretty laid back, but there is another side of me...the insecure, not as good as everyone else, boring, geeky, awkward teen. Do you remember feeling that way growing up? I have still never really outgrown them. For the most part, I conquer most of my fears. Flying after September 11th...I did it. Traveling out of the country...no problem. Played with sharks when younger...doesn't everyone?! There is one thing in my life that strikes fear into my heart utterly and completely....Relief Society.

Truly, there is nothing wrong with Relief Society. It serves a fabulous purpose, but I had the unfortunate opportunity to be called to be a counselor in the relief society when I was in my previous ward. I was nervous as this was my first time in any presidency let alone Relief Society. Our president was a woman who to this day makes the hairs on my head stand on end. Now, you also must know about me that I am VERY patient and it really would have not made a difference if I did not like the woman at all...as long as she did her calling and let me do mine. During my time in this calling I was constantly berated by the president and confused by the lack of compassion shown by this woman. Why would Heavenly Father call this woman to lead the sisters if this was the way they would be treated.

Let me give you an instance of how it worked in our ward. I was unlucky enough to contract pneumonia which #1 left me with no voice for six weeks, much to my husband's and children's happiness as I could not tell them what to do...at that point I didn't care anyway. #2 It left me with enough energy to drop off the kids at school, come home, do my deposit for the bank and come home to sleep until it was time to pick up the kids. After that I had literally no energy left whatsoever. I remember laying in bed hearing my lungs crackle as i drew in a slow breath.

Since I was seriously ill and was going to be in the house with absolutely no energy so this particular president decided I needed meals brought in and she wanted to bring in the first meal. She made homemade chicken soup, which I appreciated incredibly and it was delicious I may add. As she stood in my kitchen,my sink was full of dirty dishes and my house was a disaster she commented on how I need to learn to clean better and THAT was why I was sick. This was the pattern that carried on throughout her time as RS President. I counseled with the bishop several times, but was asked to be patient, to try to look for the good in her and help her to grow. Always willing to heed my bishop's advice I agreed and stayed each time. During the time in that calling I lost my love for Relief Society.

Since our ward was eventually dissolved and I was released with the other members I declared that one of the greatest days of my life. Soon after I was called into the primary presidency and worked with a wonderful president who i appreciated showing me how a functioning presidency should be. I have been in primary ever since.

Now, I am simply the ward camp director and camp head cook which leads me back to Relief Society. I can't tell you the anxiety this has caused. I know fully that there is a huge difference in the two presidencies, but still it has given Relief Society a sour note to me. I have to get over this and so i keep coming to the relief society functions but believe me, i cry before going and cry when i get home. Why? i don't know. Don would love to fix this for me, but it is up to me. I will continue to go to these meetings until i feel that love again for the good ol' RS. Until then my dear friends, please be patient with me. It is harder than you truly know!!!