So, every time I have an event coming up which is all about me doing something for myself it happens. I am not kidding when i tell you this either. I have a dream normally in the middle of my deepest, most restful sleep, that involves a chance of one or more of my kids getting hurt. This time it was nothing different.
I was walking happily along with my girls when i spaceship circling over head...several of them actually. They were searching for people to blast with thei laser beams. As long as we stayed perfectly still there was no problem, but it always frightens me when I get woken up...in this case at 4:23 am and then i cannot go back to sleep. So, needless to say all day I will have a feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel horrible until i get home.
Yes, this is a mental issue for me. I ama mother and have been for over thirteen years now. In that time I have learned that as a mother we always put our family's needs ahead of our own. So, whenever I do something for myself I get anxieties. Ahh, you all thought I was perfect I know! What a shock! I do get anxieties, but in the end I feel completely and totally refreshed...except for the fac that I am going to feel completely and totally exhausted after all of this. Amazing, isn't it?
Of course, once I wake up my mind is going three thousand miles a minute trying to figure out just what other horrible things are going to happen because I was so selfish in taking one night for myself. Some days are easier to shrug it off, but honestly, this time is hard. I guess it is because if anything happened to any of my kids while I was not here I would never forgive myself. What can i do though. I have found in battling my own anxieties that the best thing to do is relaize that I am not being rational and that 99.9% of the time nothing is going to happen. I also have to push on with my plans and not give in to my fears.
After 9/11 I had to push back my fears in traveling on airplanes. I've also had to push back fears as I traveled to another continent and left my children with family. Again, it was a fear and anxieties that tried to rule my life. I realized something though. As I left the ground in San Francisco to head off to Rome I relaized that if it were my time to go a spare piece of satellit from out in space could break into the stmosphere and clonk me on the head and I would be gone instantly. When it is my time to go it is my time and there is nothing that is going to change that...so I might as well try to lvie each day with all of the passion I can muster. never easy, but in the end ...worth it. Don't worry I shall sleep well tonight!!!
4 comments:
Tammy tonight is all about you and I can't even begin to tell you how much you deserve it! You are one of the most kind, willing, hardworking women I know. Go for it, we are here to back you up, always if needed! I'll hold the spaceships off until tomorrow!
-Jennie
Holy cow that was deep. Yes get some sleep Tammy. I'll take on the spaceships on your shift.
I have anxieties all the time about not being enough for our daughter, but you cannot be a good mother without taking care of yourself first. To continue with the airplane analogies, isn't it true that they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others? This is true of our roles as mothers too. We must help ourselves or we will be of no use to our children. The well must be full if we are going to give from it.
Now only if I could live by my own advice…
Peace, eh.
whenever i wake up from a bad dream like that i always have to "finish" it in my mind so that i can fall back to sleep. i have to have a plan of action. i have to do this before i go to bed sometimes too. my imagination runs away w/ me sometimes - like "what if someone breaks in to my house how do i get my kids and myself out". having a "plan" seems to help me. even if it's a ridiculous one!
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