Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Becoming Me...

With all the major upheaval in my life and changes happening at the speed of life, I find myself on a very unfamiliar pathway. I find, like many others on the pathway before me, I am changing from my experiences giving myself growing pains. Moving is never easy, but this change is a welcome one. All I need to know is where I'm going to live. Hubby is going to search a few different apartment communities this thursday and I pray he finds us a place to live.

Today, I found myself wandering through what was left of our store. My mother-in-law saw me looking around and asked me how I was doing. I dropped my mask and told her I was having a hard time these past few days. She understood. With tears in her eyes she openly wondered if my hubby, her son, really understood what I was going through. She said she thought he should know...but I stopped her. Truth be told I don't want him to know the extent of what I've been dealing with emotionally.

Let me tell you why... When I was six months pregnant with my youngest, Molly, I needed surgery to remove my gallbladder. Before the surgery as the attacks increased I found myself often on the floor curled up in a ball, willing the pain to disappear so I wouldn't have to take any medication that could possibly have an effect on my unborn baby. I have a fairly high tolerance dealing with pain. I can take more than many men with no problem. What I find worse is seeing the helplessness in my husband's eyes. He felt helpless at that moment while I dealt with the pain. He felt helpless as I cringed after having a c-section. He felt helpless when I suffered through two big bouts of pneumonia. THAT pain is not one I can handle. It was at this moment I became the rock I am.

So, dear friends, along with this chapter of my life here closing...a new chapter opens. What will be written? I do not know. What I do know is that my life will begin again...and someday I will become me.


Momza said...

Tammy, Your mother-in-law is wise. Your husband should know something of the pain you have experienced in this journey. It will bind you closer. And sheilding him makes him ignorant of your personal sacrifices. An eternal companionship is equally yoked. One does not tread in mire while the other walks in sand.
Just a thought.

H.K. said...

I totally understand what you mean. Often it is harder for the person to witness their loved one in pain because nothing feels worse than not to be able to do anything and be helpless.

However, I agree with Momza you should let your husband know how you're feeling. Wouldn't you want your husband to let you know what he was feeling? It's so important to know what each other is feeling, take it from someone who had lost almost everything during my husband's 18 months of unemployment.

Poetry of Life said...

I understand, but emotional pain is very difficult from physical pain. Maybe he could help in a way you didn't think of. Don't suffer alone!

Jen said...

He would hate to know you were keeping it from him to protect him.
Love the new blog look.
♥ Jen