Letting Them Fall

When they were babies and I stood just outside their bedroom at night listening to their cries as I let them cry themselves to sleep in order to teach them to sleep through the night....I thought that was the worst moment.

Today was much worse....BYU girl called me from school. She is failing her first class EVER. She is slightly upset and thinking I would scream and yell. My mind raced as she described her visit with her teacher. College is a challenge to her. Challenges are new to this brainiac. She is struggling for the first time. Her teacher told her to finish out the semester in class and then take the class again....and she will....and she has already added it to her schedule. She is determined to do it. She will make it through this time. My little procrastinator has learned it doesn't work to put things off in college.

She;ll catch on....and I'll be listening at the door.

Why Do We ALWAYS Dwell on the Negative?!?!?

I'm so frustrated. I am normally a positive person. Nothing brings me down..WHY?! Because I struggle with depression, that's why!!! I have those same gloomy negative days everyone else experiences. In the end, I have to push any chance of a gloomy cloud away otherwise it gets very dark in my little mind.

So what's the problem?

I work with two of the biggest cranky women I've ever met. One is pregnant and all she does is complain about EVERYTHING. From the moment she punches the clock in the morning until she punches out at night. The same goes for the woman who serves as my boss. Her AC is connected with our General Manger's office AC. She doesn't like cold. So....from the moment she gets in I hear in a whiny voice: "I'm cold. Why is it so cold in here?!?!?!" It got so bad I even brought her a blanket because I was tired of hearing it. She puts it across her lap and still complains.

I am frustrated. I want to scream. I'm tired of the negativity. I've been trying to instill positive attitudes at work. I'm not giving up....I'm just whining....Oh great!!! I'm morphing into them!!!
Grrrrr!!!!

Time for an attitude of gratitude!!!

10 Memories that Make Me Smile:

1. My youngest girl toddling into the pond at the Portland Oregon Temple.
2. The look on my oldest daughter's face the day she found out she was accepted to BYU
3. My tiny son when he caught his first froggy for his daddy
4. The smile on my daughter's face when we were ready to board our flight to Utah...BYU Bound.
5. The day my son passed the sacrament for the first time
6. Listening to my oldest reading her Patriarchal Blessing on the phone from college to me (we never could schedule it at home)
7. The look on my Hubby's face when he was offered a position as Head Custodian and given his own school
8. The day I changed into my current position at work.
9. The day Hubby and I got sealed for time and all eternity.
10. The births of all three of my children.


Yup....I think I'm in a  good place now!

What Was I Thinking?!?!?!?

Seriously, someone explain to me what I was thinking!!!! I agreed to this as it was our outing for our 21st anniversary. A certain guilt follows me as I don't really think too much about anniversaries. Yes, I adore Hubby. Yes, I am thrilled to celebrate, but why can't we just celebrate the big ones!!!!

Well, with a couple of twenties in hand we went out to explore. This place is about an hour from our house. It's on the opposite side of San Antonio. It's actually a pretty cool little place. The best part...I didn't have to pay at all!!! Being a Certified Tourism Ambassador here in SA I occasionally get some discounts and freebies. Therefore I cashed in. Hubby only paid $20. Not bad if you ask me.

My biggest mistake....I let hubby decide which tour we should go on. He wanted the Hidden Caverns tour. I was fine with that. 185 steps down doesn't really sound too bad when you think about it quickly. BUT when you find out it is 3/4 of a mile down under the ground....HOLY MOLY!!!! It is the equivalent of 18 stories down. Again...it doesn't sound to bad to me. That's only 5 more floors than that hotel I work at. To me, it sounded doable.

Then I realized.....

Eventually, I would have to come back up.

GASP!!! Too late...I was already at the bottom!!

Updates

So much time has passed. I feel guilt...but not too much. I've been paying attention to my family...go figure. Most of all I've been missing my Rinni, my girl, my BYU Girl.

First and foremost, it was literally the best and the worst trip of my life. This kid who crept into my heart the day I learned I was pregnant has tortured me beyond even what she knows...but she will someday. I sobbed uncontrollably as I watched this daughter of mine who was willing to walk out of my everyday life. How could she?!?!?!?!

She did. And she has set up her room. She's gone to dances. She's gone to parties. She's joined the Residential Housing Association as their publicity officer. She's gone to SLC without me and gone with her fellow RHA peeps. SHe's gone to school. She's endured a cold. She interviewed with her bishop and got her temple recommend. She's received her new calling. She helped her RHA peeps with the homecoming float and today she rode in the homecoming parade. She freaked when a boy flirted with her. She has gone to get her Patriarchal Blessing since all of our schedules were a mess in trying to get her there. She's been responsible for her finances and watches her money like a hawk. She even went into the dentist for a root canal all on her own.

My baby grew up...when I wasn't looking. I'm proud of the young woman she has become. She is INCREDIBLE! I love her and I am so proud to be her earthly mother.

My Son, Sigh, has opted to go into the Marine Reserves. He will go off to boot camp and will return home in late September. In his own words he is over senior year and just wants to get going with his life. After all these years. he owes me a graduation.

My little Molly has grown into a wonderful young woman and I am truly proud of her for standing up to even her own friends...even if it means ending a friendship. She's a good kid.

Hubby has opened his school and now preps for the dedication. He saved a little girl from choking a few days ago and I know his principal is grateful for his actions. He had to do the Heimlich maneuver on this scared young lady. It's been a blessing for him to be there.

Me? I've endured Book of Mormon the Musical staying with us at my hotel. I will say most of the performers were wonderful young men, but there were enough of the others that nearly drove me insane. My boss was so thrilled with how I handled them especially with my faith being tested and tried....he has offered to purchase two tickets to Wicked which is coming next March.

2-ish Days and Counting

Yup...it's almost here. Rinni and I fly off to Utah to bring her to college. She is getting ready to join all of her new friends at BYU. B to the Y to the U. Boom!

Seriously, where did the time go? Has 18 years of this kid's life passed so quickly?!?!?!?

At work I am exhausted. I'm so tired from dealing with all the craziness that I am so ready for some time off. I am getting to do something I haven't had a chance to do for quite some time...travel alone. I know there is a stigma and fear for some about traveling alone...but I LOVE it! It's so much fun. I am truly a people watcher and I love not having to pretend to be happy. I can just relax...totally and utterly relax. I am going to drop Rinni off and help her get her dorm together. We will attend some orientation stuff together and then I will bring the car back to the airport, grab a taxi to the train station and then board a train to California. It's going to be fun. I love the fun of travel. It's going to be a blast!!!

And this is my gorgeous BYU girlie with her YW President who happens to be the best hairdresser ever. She did Rinni's hair to send her off to college with. I can't stop singing Little Mermaid Songs. So fun!!! More pics to come!!!

4 Hours a Day Saved....Along with my Samity!!!

Here's how my day normally started:

4am-Wakeup, get showered and ready for work.

5am- Leave the house, walk 1 mile to the bus stop.

5:25am- Bus Picks me up

5:45am-Arrive at Transit Station

5:55am- Catch bus headed for Downtown

6:15am- Arrive at stop Downtown- Walk 1 Mile to work

7am- Start shift at work

4:10pm Finish work-start one mile trek to bus stop.

4:25pm- Arrive at bus stop-wait until 5:15pm until next bus

5:15pm- Climb aboard bus

5:45pm- Arrive at transit center

6:23pm- climb aboard next bus

6:45pm- bus departs transit center

7:15pm- Arrive last bust stop

7:35pm- Arrive home and collapse into chair

8pm- go to bed and get ready for the next day.

First observation...yes, my schedule coincides much better in the morning on the to work.
Second observation- During the summer heat the trek home is miserable.

Now, for the good news!

YES! That is right....I've got some new wheels. Mr brother-in-law and Sister-in-law just bought a new car and offered us their old one. Combined with my pay raise and affording the gas and upkeep....it is a BLESSING. I now am allowed to lseep a bit later and I can actually get home within about 30 minutes.

Can we say...HAPPY DANCE!!!

I Admit....I Failed

Some have heard the saying: "The person with the brightest smile hides the biggest sadness." I admit wholeheartedly this was the case for me. I was working 40 hours a week, carrying a full load and attending school full time as well. I found myself, more times than I can count, working all night and then completing a full day at school last semester going a full 48 hours before actually getting to sleep. I admit hating my life and breaking down to ask what I did to deserve this. Yes, I hit rock bottom....and smiled through it. I posted for a promotion at a different location and expected to be treated with support. Instead was called a traitor by my manager. For two weeks I endured her harsh treatment. I vowed not to let her win. The job I'd applied for was canceled and I was forced to think why I had to go through this? So frustrated I nearly wanted to throw my hands up and cry out to the Lord. And then I truly opened my eyes. My son has found his calling in the Air Force ROTC. He has been appointed Chief Commander and has taken on immense responsibilities and I am truly proud of him. He plans on attending college and enlisting in the Air Force as an officer. My oldest daughter completed a small hurdle in making her dream come true. When she was 5 years old she spoke with one of the kids in our ward about BYU. He played football for the Cougars at the time and told her what BYU was. She decided at age 5 she was going to BYU. Knots formed in my stomach as we waited for the answer. First I watched her dance around the room after being accepted to BYU-Idaho. Then much to our shock....BYU accepted my baby. The girl can't stop smiling...including picking her dorm room. Bee has been developing her talent in photography. She has enjoyed being herself and hanging out with me. Hubby and I enjoyed our first vacation. We dropped the kids off at EFY at BYU and we enjoyed our own adventure. We spent a day with friends at temple square....my first time ever. We even went ziplining. Yes...I screamed and laughed like I hadn't laughed in so long. It felt good. Then I came home...and it was back to the grindstone. I continued to work my fingers to the bone working all odd hours rarely having a holiday or weekend off. Finally, after long hours of craziness, torture and going nearly 4 years without going to church....I was given a promotion to Property Coordinator. This means I work majority days with most weekends off. It means I get a pay raise. It means I regain my sanity and most of all I get to spend time with my family for once. I come home to my kids. Yes, I crumbled....but I make a great comeback!!!