Seriously, I was sitting in the store last week and my cell phone rang. A friend from high school. He was on Facebook and was concerned with me when he read my status. I was down, but the status was a simple act of frustration on the craziness in the world plus my own life. I found I couldn't answer the phone. Have you ever done that? Willingly and utterly silenced your phone on a friend?! I felt guilt over doing that, but at that moment my words would've most definitely betrayed me. Why do we do that? I surely can't be the only one who pushes others away for some quality time hiding under the covers waiting for the world to stop. The sad thing is...I have the absolute best friends in the world. Hands down they would be there for me. Of that fact I have no doubts whatsoever. Perhaps it is my issue with always wanting people to be happy and spilling the beans on how horribly I was doing would bring them down.
I finally called my good friend back and he was enjoying a nice dinner with friends at the Riverwalk. He asked how I was doing and instantly my throat seized and the words wouldn't come. Finally, I managed to pry open my lips and utter..."I'm fine."
It is those two words that give you away every time. "I'm fine" roughly translates into: "My world is a horrible spiral of doom, but thanks for asking." The instant those two stupid words crossed my lips I realized it was a spaghetti phrase...you can't suck it back in without anyone noticing. I could hear him distancing himself away from his friends and ask if I was the same fine as last week. I tried to cover it up. "No, really I'm fine." THOSE TWO STUPID WORDS AGAIN!!!! We hung up and I wanted to kick myself. Why can't I lock this up?!?!?! So frustrating. Hubby stood watching and shook his head. "Why don't you just be honest and tell him?"
Yeah...I don't know why. I'm waiting now with my little pink cell phone sitting on my lap knowing it will ring in the next hour or so and my friend will be there being the support he has always been. Will I actually fess up? I doubt it.
Why? I know you're asking...WHY?!
The answer is very simple. I grew up with two brothers who had their guy friends around ALL the time. I grew up playing soccer...which was very unladylike at the time... and all sports. Men are no nonsense people. They don't talk about feelings. Show no weakness!!! While in high school I began to hang around a few more girls and realized I couldn't stand the drama...imagine that from a drama geek like me!!! So, to be honest friends...I feel more comfortable hanging out with the guys, watching sports and eating pizza than I do on a spa date with a friend.
Do you know what else a blog is?! Free therapy!!! Thanks for the help...feel free to label me nutty...I've always known I had "clown syndrome."
Clown syndrome equals an insatiable need to make everyone else happy without thought or concern of yourself. And no...you will not find it in psychology today...that is a Just Me Original!!!
8 comments:
Oh and by the way...I am actually doing good, but this particular friend already knows I hit the wall last week. Life is much better these past few days.
Glad you are doing "OK" (the other cliche saying). Cute phone by the way.
If only I had the butterflies as my screensaver!!!
Don't you just hate when someone says things like "it will work out," or "hang in there" or whatever and you think "my life is falling apart, it just sucks, and I wish if it were going to get better it just would already!" I know how you feel girlfriend! It does eventually get better...
Followed you home from Mormon Mommy Blogs - I wonder why we do this . . . I frequently seem to say "I'm fine" when I'm really not - why is it so hard to speak up and say what we're thinking?
Kristin K
You're right Poetry...My nereves are grated whenever I hear the phrase: "Hang in there" or "Things will get better!"
Kristin...Welcome!!! And you are right. We do find it hard to speak up. I think it's a Mom thing. Once you become a Mom your focus changes from all about ourselves to all about the kids...therefore Mom ALWAYS gets lost in the shuffle. Someday we will figure out a balance!!!
Came over from Mormon Mommy Blogs...
I agree blogs are therapeutic. I'm not one for burdening my friends with my woes as well. Maybe a result of having a drama queen for a Mom? :-) But also because I know the "bad times" are temporary and will sort themselves out, so why bring more people down with me?
I agree completely with you Marivic!!!
I actually wrestled with myself on deciding if I should actually publish this draft, but then I realized there could and probably are others dealing with these same issues. Would they feel alone if they had nobody fessing up that they were dealing with the same thing?
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